We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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