i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
