You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
