It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
