I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
