I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
