Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize