Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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