This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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