you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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