i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Bring me that man meat
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
