Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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