I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
