Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
