Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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