I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize