i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
