what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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