Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
