from now on my penis is your penis
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
