I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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