I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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