I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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