I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
