it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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