Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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