tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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