The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
