i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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