New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
