Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
