a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
