I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
