Your face is a jimmy john
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
