Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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