I need help removing her.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
