i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
