You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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