Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
