As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize