Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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