what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
