Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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