can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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