also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
