genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
