from now on my penis is your penis
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
