my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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