I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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