Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
