I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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