he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
