i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
there was a trapeze. enough said
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
