I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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