How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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